Just a Few Gems

Thank goodness SOMEONE rids Costa Rica of horses!

#8

Someone needed a hug...

Alright...I figured it was my turn to post something. Of course, my posts are never nearly as funny as E's but I'll go for it.

I work as a receptionist for a salon and at the end of the day I take all the garbages out and walk to the hugely ginormous one at the end of the business park (how many of you can say that you have a key to a dumpster? I thought so, feel free to let that green color of jealousy seep into your face for 33.7 seconds) Anyways, because there are always cars speeding in and out of parking stalls I sometimes like to walk down the middle of the road so that I can see the cars and the cars, for the most part, can see me. Yes this story has a punch line...
Anyways I could hear a car speed into the park but there was a UPS truck right next to me so once I passed that I wasn't really listening or paying much attention. Next thing I know I can hear someone shouting at me, "You have to walk right down the middle of the road!? SERIOUSLY!! MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!" What the!?!? Me and my three bags of garbage were seriously caught off guard and slightly offended..so I just finished walking the whole six feet left to the garbage dumpster and she sped out from behind me. Rude. The UPS guy had apparently seen and heard the whole thing because he comments to me, " Someone sure needs a hug today...was she serious?" haha...UPS guy you're my favorite. And also, I have no intention of changing my path to the dumpster..So yes mean lady in the red car who needed a hug, I seriously am walking down the middle of the street. You can chill for five seconds or slow down to the speed limit. Geesh!

Things to do when you know you are going to fail an exam anyway

Thanks bypassfanpages.com for this next one. Classic. Sorry if I missed any editing

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Be as vulgar as possible during the exam, make sure every sentence has every other word as a swear word or some sexual innuendo for example.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Screw this!” and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Cry and Bawl

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the he** are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what’s going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”

33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, “Okay, let’s double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E….”

34. Fake an (edited for content). When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question #__ moved you, deeply.

35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting “What? I’m on my way!!”. rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.

36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam.

37. If your answers are on a scantron sheet, fill it out in pen.

38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.

39. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

41. Make Strange noises… get people to stare… look at the person next to you as if heshe did it.

42. Dress like the professor or better yet; cross-dress

43. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

44. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.

45. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

46. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

47. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.

48. Bring cheerleaders, or bring pets

49. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

50. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

51. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

52. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

53. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”

54. Bring a water pistol with you, or start a brawl in the middle of the exam

55. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.

56. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

57. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

58. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

59. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

60. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

61. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think. ” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.

62. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher”

63. Call the teacher over. Repeatedly call him/her. When he answers, wait 5 seconds, then say “We’re taking a test teacher!” (Kind of like Charlie the Unicorn “We’re on a bridge Charlie!”)

64. go into the exam room. sit down, put on a helmet with the blast shield down and tell the professer the Force will guide your pencil.

65. When the end of the test is near and the examiner starts to look at the clock. Wait until the the seconds hand reaches 6, start singing the Countdown theme tune.

66: leave the whole exam blank after writing THERE ARE ALWAYS MARKS FOR NEAT WORK

67. In the middle of the exam stand up and yell ‘they're coming for me!’ and run out

68. Cough really loudly every 5 seconds

69. Make out with your boyfriend/girlfriend during the exam when the instructor tries to get you to stop, look the instructor in the eye and tell him/her in an annoyed tone “EXCUSE ME!!! We’re a little busy here, GO AWAY . . . “

70. colour in the letters that have a closed of space i.e. a, b, d, e etc

71: On the side which says “blank page” write: “this page would be blank if this sign wasn’t telling you that”. Cover the entire page/paper. Or put movie quotes like “All work and no play makes a dull boy”

72: Get three of your friends to dress up in red robes with crosses. Have them wait outside the class until you get the test and say “I though I was taking a test. I wasn’t expecting the Spanish Inquisition.” Then have your friends run in yelling ” NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!”. Try do do this with other Monty Python gags to mix things up.

73: Get a friend to help you answer the questions by doing an INTERPRETIVE DANCE BATTLE!

74: Bring your Laptop and watch your (edited for content) collection.

75: When the professor is explaining the rules, walk up and say “Yo Professor ____, I’m really happy for ya and Imma let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of ALL TIMEE!

76. Rickroll the entire exam, get a friend to blast out ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ over the speakers.

77: Yell out that ‘The Final Countdown’ is now in your head and start singing the tune, see how many people catch on.

78: Some time into the exam, get up, turn on a radio and start doing the safety dance, when told to stop say you can dance if you want to, if your friends don’t dance then they are no friends of yours.

79: Instead of trying to write the answers, write debates on questions that have plagued mankind for many years, such as who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and Bruce Campbell.

It's snake jelly time!



This is jelly.



This is a snake

 Wondering what in the world a snake and jelly have to do with each other? Absolutely nothing. Except the fact that this is a DOUBLE POST!!! It's orange because I'm excited. You should be too. Here's to all the stupid people out there...

Jelly Time

While chatting with some nurses I work with, I was told this story... A little while back some lady got sent home with some contraceptive jelly as a form of birth control. She went home and smeared the jelly on some toast... which she ate. Soon after getting pregnant, this lady tried to sue the contraceptive jelly company. Her argument? "I was in a rush and didn't have time to read the directions on how to use it" the judge said something to the effect of... "You had time to toast bread and eat it". The case was dismissed.

Snake Time Big thanks to Britt for sharing this story!

Once upon a time there was a family who decided to get a Boa Constrictor as a pet (oh, it gets better). The family loved their snake and fed it small animals every day to keep it healthy and strong. Oh, and the snake slept with the 7 year old daughter at night. One week, the snake stopped eating. The family, distraught, took their snake to see the vet. "What is wrong with our poor snake?!?!?!" they said quietly. "How long has this been going on?" exclaimed the vet. "About a week, maybe more," cried the family. The vet asked the little girl... "Does your snake ever lay down next to you and stretch all the way out?" "Why, yes! He does it all the time!"...............then the vet replied......"You need to get rid of that snake NOW. He is trying to see if he is long enough to EAT YOU and he has been fasting so that he could do so."

Okay, so first of all, that is disgusting. Second of all, what kind of idiot family would get a boa constrictor as a pet, and let it sleep with the youngest child? Third of all...... that's really disgusting.

Superman had the Key

Tonight I was reminded that people actually read the junk I put out. So here is another classic...

At Brigham Young University, things of the sexual nature are pretty taboo (If you didn't know, the majority of the student body is LDS-- see lds.org for more info). Also, if you are married at BYU, you can still be a Resident Advisor (aka, an RA). Having said that, one of my friends related a story where a girl he knew experienced something rather... unique.

This girl was walking down the stairs on the way to her vehicle when she heard someone screaming "HELP! HELP!" The girl went to the door, which was unlocked (don't ask me why...) and swung it open. There, handcuffed to the bed naked, was her RA. On the floor was the RA's husband... passed out... wearing nothing but a superman cape. Superman had the key to the handcuffs. So this poor girl had to set her RA free so that she could get dressed to take her husband to the hospital. Apparently kryptonite isn't superman's ONLY weakness.....

Sorry... Gland problem

**No picture could be found to match the story**

My roommate Tressa was in her Civics class in high school working with this girl on a group project. Everything was going fine until something odd happened... the girl said something to the effect of "yeah... I think that...." and then was interrupted by a noise resembling a cross between a stalling car and a choking duck. The girl made this noise while tilting her head to the side, bringing her shoulder up to her ear, and twitching. An odd display. (Just try it out. Preferably not in public.) Tressa gasped and jumped back, almost falling off her chair. "WHAT HAPPENED???!?!" she said. "Sorry..." the girl replied, "I have a gland problem". Honey... that's not a gland problem.

Things that (we think) would shatter a teenage girl's world

A few nights ago, my roommates and I were watching one of the greatest films ever created in the history of man-- Twilight. We then went straight on to Eclipse; a thrilling sequel. While watching these artistic gems, we came up with the following list....

THINGS THAT WOULD SHATTER A TEENAGE GIRL'S WORLD

1. Edward straight up EATS Bella.
2. Bella eats Edward...
3. Edward is discovered applying glitter all over his body
4. Taylor Lautner becomes morbidly obese 
5. Models really DO look like that
6. Channing Tatum is a woman
7. Zac Efron wears dentures
8. Channing Tatum's jaw is drawn on
9. Justin Bieber is gay... with Miley Cyrus (try to figure THAT one out! Double Whammy!)
10. Michael Jackson is dead
11. Finding out crabs aren't only on the beach
12. Finding out your facebook boyfriend isn't real
13. Having one friend on facebook
14. And last but not least... growing facial hair

My Date is Dead

**Names have been changed**

So my sister has tons of crazy stuff happen to her or her friends, as you can see with the "dead dog in a suitcase". This lovely story comes from a friend of her's and is particularly.... well... you'll see.

Mary hadn't had the best luck with relationships. And you learn as you get older that the more dates you go on, the crazier the people (and the stories) get. Mary, in her efforts at trying to find her "one and only" had joined an online dating service... a few actually. As sometimes happens in these situations, she met someone... well... met is the wrong word. You see, they hadn't actually met. They had talked for a pretty long time and she felt comfortable with him, especially since this particular online service was provided by her church and was in line with her moral standards. This man was a veteran and had been injured in his service so he got to go to a "wounded veterans ball" in New York City every year. We will call the man... Agnus. So Agnus was invited to this ball, and since he needed a date and had never met Mary, he invited her. "It's great, they pay for your food, flight, and hotel. All you have to do is provide your own entertainment." Agnus exclaimed (excitedly). Mary thought (deeply), "A free trip to New York City?! Count me in!" So Mary hopped a plane, traveled afar, and arrived in New York City. Agnus and Mary had a grand time, but she wasn't really feeling a connection. Agnus didn't like that at all. He got very upset at her and told her that he didn't want her coming back to the hotel and she could find her own place to stay (the two had decided to share a room with separate beds). Mary didn't want to do that. So, since she had a key to the room anyway, Mary went out and partied the night away with some friends she had met at the ball. She got to the hotel around 3 a.m. and snuck into the room. Agnus was all hooked up to his CPAP machine (a machine that helps you keep breathing, kinda) because he had sleep apnea, and didn't even move when she came into the room. Mary slid quietly into her bed and fell asleep. 

Mary woke up before Agnus the next morning and decided that she would shower before she went downstairs. You see, Agnus and Mary had planned earlier that week to travel to the 9/11 site with some friends that morning. After Mary's shower, Agnus still wasn't up! Mary went over to Agnus and quietly said that she was going down to the bus and he should probably get up soon if he wanted to come. She then went downstairs, boarded the bus, and waited...........and waited............and waited......... and no Agnus. She tried calling his cell phone a couple times, she tried calling the room, and finally she called the front desk and asked them to please send someone up there to make sure he was up. Well the group decided to leave without him. 

As the bus returned and pulled into the hotel, Mary noticed several police cars and an ambulance. She wasn't even allowed to get off the elevator on her floor and nobody was allowed to leave the hotel. She later found out that sometime during the night, her date had died...expired....passed away....kicked the bucket. There was an investigation, Mary was questioned for about 8 hours, and the conclusion was made that he had died of natural causes...... but some say.... he died of a broken heart.